Mary Squatter and the Lifeless Pebble
by Suzy Veins
Summary: What would happen if the story of Harry Potter took place in an alternate universe, and all of the characters were the opposite of their original personalities? Read here, for my ridiculously dumb version.
1. The Girl Who Almost Died

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Harry Potter!

**Author's Notes:** Hopefully I did that disclaimer thingy right. Here is my lovely parody that I made, after having a discussion with my friend about how funny it would be if every character in the Harry Potter series was like the opposite of what they really were, if you know what I mean. I plan on typing many chapters, the first few have been hard though, as I have had few ideas (actually, this one came quite easily, but still). This may be very unfunny to some, but thats alright. Warning: I have changed the name's of all of the characters, and they all pretty much SUCK, so be warned. Haha.

Chapter 1: The Girl Who Almost Died

Mr and Mrs Derby, of negative four, Private Drove, were very happy to say that they were both loud, and very unusual. They were the first people you'd expect to be caught trafficking drugs, or driving under the influence, because its just what they did.

Mr Derby was the star of a demolition company, named Gruntings, which was known to demolish anything from napkins to transport trucks to small children. He was short and curved, with bulging muscles, and a sturdy neck. Mrs Derby was just as pleasant. She had an amazing figure, blonde hair, and a butt nearly twice the size of a normal person's , which came in handy when she wanted to knock things over. The Derby's had a morbidly obese son named Spudley, and in their opinion, they'd seen better.

Mrs Derby also had a delightful sister and brother-in-law, who she frequently called upon for tea. Her invitations were seldom accepted. In fact, it had been over a year since the Derby's had been in contact with the Squatter family, and the last they had heard, Mrs Squatter had given birth to a girl.

When Mr and Mrs Derby went to bed that vibrant, psychedelic Tuesday, our story starts. Mr Derby slowly wheezed himself to sleep, forgetting he had work. Mrs Derby was already out cold, forgetting she had left he son inside the running bathtub.

A small owl zipped by their window, and Mr Derby then promptly passed out.

It had been a few hours before Mr Derby awoke and remembered he had to go to work. He quickly got ready, and pulled out his wrinkly son, Spudley, from the bathtub.

Jumping into the car, he stepped on the gas for about five minutes, until he realized he had no gas. After coming to this realization, he stepped out of his car, and walked to work - but not before stopping at his local bakery.

Upon arrival, however, her saw many people in oddly dressed cloaks and belly shirts. This was quite unusual, Mr Derby thought to himself, he thought that he was the only one who dressed like that.

Anxious to hear the latest gossip, Mr Derby joined a nearby circle of these people, unnoticed.

'The Squatters, that's right, that's what I smelt - '

' - yes, their son, Mary - '

Mr Derby froze. Fear flooded him. He farted loudly. Did the Squatter's really have a son name Mary? Looking back around at the whisperers, Mr Derby clubbed the nearest one, a small, stout man, and hurried off to Gruntings.

The day went by pretty quickly, as Mr Derby was lost in thought for most of it - something always concerning. He accidentally crushed two houses, three school buses and one employee, and by the end of the day, was on probation.

All the way home Mr. Derby tried to convince himself that Mary was a girl, and that those whisperers were fools. But he knew he needed to check. He was so lost in thought that he even ran into a tall, beefy man, with hardly any neck.

'So sorry, my wonderful, super-duper friend!' Mr Derby guffawed in apology, not realizing this man was wearing no clothing.

'You better! For today is a time to be happy! I-Don't-Remember-Who is vanquished!' the man's surly response was nearly inaudible, and he soon stalked off.

Upon arriving home, Mr Derby realized that an old woman was grazing on the garden fence, nodding off lazily now and again. He smiled good-naturedly to her, and she returned it with a sheepish grin. As he trotted inside his wide-open front door, he took note of the piece of paper stapled to her back that stated, "Hex Me!"

Mrs. Derby had a very unusual day. First, she awoke to find her shriveled son on the bathroom floor, eating the sink. Then, she noticed her long-necked neighbour staring suspiciously at her through the window, while she tried to feed her son fried cabbage and beans. And, to top it all off, there were about five hundred owls flying outside - which in itself wasn't out of the ordinary (for her anyway), but the fact that they were dragged down by gigantic parcels and oddly-shaped packages was a bit over the top. She swore she saw an owl carrying a piano.

Shaking off his wife's silly inquiries, Mr Derby sat at his kitchen table, and began to take out his stash. Thinking this the perfect opportunity, Mr Derby asked Mrs Derby, 'Is Mary a boy!?'

'Of course not,' was the giggly response.

'Oh, well, that's good. Heard stuff about ol' Mary today.'

'I wish we had a daughter,' Mrs Derby added, looking over at her unconscious son in mild disappointment.

'Can't help but feel Mary will show up on our front door step by next morning,' Mr Derby chuckled jokingly.

How very right he was.

Hours later, in the dead of night, a man appeared in the darkness. He was of average height, fit, and looked as though he had recently gone through lots of plastic surgery. He was wearing long, flowing silk robes of hot pink, with dazzling, ruby red high-heeled shoes. His eyes were mismatched, one a chocolate white, the other a urine yellow. He sported, long poorly dyed hair, and a long, multi-coloured beard, that made people cringe from even a distance. On the edge of his too-perfect-to-be-real nose, were shimmering, new moon spectacles. This man's name was not Albus Dumbledore.

Alpine Bumblebore appeared to have no familiarity whatsoever with his surroundings. In fact, he didn't even know where he was. He didn't need to however, as he rummaged around in his breezy robes, and pulled out a … map! It didn't help, and he soon discarded it.

Finally, he pulled out some dainty little matches, and stroked once against the side of the matchbox. Instead of producing light, it sucked in the nearby light, and he continued to do this until he stole all the power in the city. He then chuckled, spotting the old woman sitting uncomfortably on the fence.

'Fancy seeing you here, Professor McThongagal,' he sniggered.

'How'd you know it was me!?' Professor McThongagal inquired, shocked.

'Who?'

'Me.'

'Me?'

Becoming slightly impatient, Professor McThongagal changed the topic, 'I'm hungry.'

'Me too.'

They sat in silence for several more minutes, until Professor McThongagal broke herself away from her reverie.

'Is it true What's-His-Name is gone?'

'My dearest Professor, I have no idea what your talking about!' Alpine babbled unhelpfully, adding in an afterthought, 'Oh, do you mean Ford Baltimore?'

'Yes. That's not the half of it, though. Is it true Tilly and Games murdered each other, right in front of little Mary's eyes?'

'No, her eyes were closed. I'd know, because I'm smart!' Alpine said confidently through a burp. 'Apparently, there was some sort of a fair… or something like that. Caused rifts…"

McThongagal gasped as Alpine began to mumble incoherently to himself, 'An affair! Goodness! I had heard rumours - oh yes, many rumours! But never did I think Tilly and Games… I can SO believe it actually. Tilly always was a whore.'

'Yes, yes she was,' Alpine sighed, reminiscing.

McThongagal's tone rose, and she began to talk more excitedly - despite her friendly and push-over personality, she had a taste for gossip, 'They're saying Ford Baltimore tried to kill the Squatters' son, Mary. But - Mary is actually a girl. So he couldn't kill that boy. Because he didn't exist. And that's why his flower power is gone, because he tried to kill something that doesn't exist! That's why he is gone!'

'Yes!' Alpine screamed in happiness, waking up everyone in the neighbourhood (McThongagal quickly enchanted them back to sleep), 'I won the lottery!'

'No you didn't, dearie.'

'Fine. When's Ragrid coming! I want a bath,' the man whined impatiently.

'Do you really think it wise to rely on Ragrid to bathe you?' McThongagal asked patiently.

'Of course. I'd trust Ragrid with my life.'

'That's not the point…'

VROOM VROOM! A loud rumbling ripped through the sky, and before anyone could think twice, Ragrid jumped off of an over-sized motorcycle.

Ragrid looked too small to be allowed, in fact, it took Alpine and McThongagal several minutes to locate the man. When they did, they observed his neatly trimmed hair, black in colour, and his leather boots the size of a Barbie's foot. They also noted his neatly trimmed goatee, and could feel him emitting a very formal air.

'Ragrid! I want my bath!' was what he received as a greeting.

'Yes, yes,' the man named Ragrid boomed, shattering the nearby buildings. 'I have obtained Mary from the destroyed ruins of the Squatter's home, and Furious kindly lent me his flying motorcycle. She's right in the little basket here, Professor McThongagal, please take this letter and the baby, and drop it off on the front steps of the Derby's please.'

'Yes, sir!' Professor McThongagal saluted, carefully carrying the baby - letter taped on its forehead - to the front steps. She sighed, and burst into tears.

'Shhh!' Ragrid boomed even louder, making small children cry, 'You'll wake Professor Bumblebore up! Goodness gracious, remember the last time you did that? Could not get him to sleep for days!'

'S-s-sorry,' laughed McThongagal hysterically, wiping tears away from her eyes, 'I c-can't stand it - its just t-t-t-too funny! This child has a cheese imprint on her belly!'

'Ah, yes,' Ragrid nodded gravely. 'She shall have that mark her whole life I fear. It will be especially painful for her growing up in a house that only contains belly shirts and sweatpants, well, _au revoir._'

'Good luck, Mary Squatter,' a mysterious voice said in the background, 'And good bye…'

Twenty hours later, Mrs Derby stepped outside to take in the garbage when she stepped on something rather squishy on her front porch. Shrieking in delight, she noticed a letter, and picked it up, running inside to read it. It would be many more hours before the Derby's would notice Mary.

* * *

To identify the characters more easily I will provide you a little list of whos who:

Mary Squatter - Harry Potter

Burnin' Derby - Mary's Uncle

Begonia Derby - Mary's Aunt

Spudley - Dudley

Alpine Bumblebore - Dumbledore

McThongagal - McGonagal

Furious Smack - Sirius Black

Ragrid - Hagrid


	2. The Vanishing Ass

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Harry Potter.

**Author's Notes:** If there are any errors here, both spelling and grammar, let me know! Thanks, yo! Um, this one was really hard to write, all my ideas are lame. I have some really funny ones (in my opinion) for MUCH later chapters/books, but yeah. I feel the ending on this one is a bit rushed. Oh well. Enjoy (hopefully). Language is a little worse here, but its not as bad as it _seems_.

Chapter 2: The Vanishing Ass

Nearly seven times two minus four years had passed since the Derby's decided that they'd like to install some windows onto their home in Private Drove, which was nearly unrecognizable. The sun refused to rise on the right size of the horizon, and as such, the Derby's house was shrouded in darkness. The darkness infested their living-room, which was now a fancy bedroom/suite, complete with hot tub and bar. Only the frames on the mantelpiece remained the same - they were still empty. However, ever since that fateful day, the Derby's household increased from three to four. Mary Squatter still lived here. But not for long.

Mary's Aunt Begonia was asleep, and her deep grunts pulsating throughout the entire house was the first thing she heard. It caused Mary to arise from her bed irritably, and she headed towards the kitchen, the smell of frying pan on bacon inflating her nostrils.

In the hallway, scratching her butt, Mary tried to forget that, terrible, terrible dream she had had. There had been an old man in it. She had a uncomfortable feeling she'd seen this same man before - in the shower.

In the kitchen, she spotted her aunt on the floor, but had not the heart to awaken her. Today was probably going to be one of the most awful days of Mary's life. Spudley's eleventh birthday. The petting zoo. The tenth time. She groaned at just the thought, and quickly dug into her well-done frying pan.

Perhaps it had something to do with living in a gigantic bedroom, complete with hot tub and bar, but Mary had always been slightly overweight. She looked even larger due to the fact that she constantly sported belly shirts and unflattering pants, which were the same ones she had been wearing for the past seven years. Mary had a full face, thick thighs, and black hair, and green eyes. She wore sharply angled glasses, good as new, mainly because they _were_ new. The only thing Mary disliked about her appearance was the vivid and blotchy mark on her stomach, one that looked strikingly like cheese. The day previous, the first time she had noticed it, she had ask Aunt Begonia how she had got it.

'I think its that tattoo you got a few years ago,' she had said, forgetting that Mary had gotten that on her butt. 'Anything else?'

_Anything else _- that was the last rule for a quiet life with the Derby's, one that Mary shuddered to think about.

Uncle Burnin' soon appeared in the doorway, looking as if he had been out for several days. In fact, he had.

'What day is it?' was his greeting, as usual.

About once a month, Uncle Burnin' would be out of it for days, and upon awakening, would always ask for the day. Sometimes he needed reassurance as to where he was.

'I dunno,' Mary said shiftily, chewing carefully on her frying-pan as Spudley entered the room.

'Its my birthday!' Spudley screamed in joy, 'Petting zoo time!'

'Happy birthday, son!' Uncle Burnin' grunted, shoving a grubby brown package in Spudley's hands.

'Gee wiz, thanks! That's one more than last year!' Spudley said with pure gratitude.

'Well, don't expect to see anything in it.'

'Oh.' Spudley's face fell slightly, and he turned to his now rising mother.

Aunt Begonia obviously scented discontentment - she had a little magic running in her veins - and said, 'Now, now popsicle, when were out, we'll get you two NEW presents! Oh, and don't forget, you haven't counted Aunt Large's present! Dog biscuits - those will be perfect to bring to the petting zoo!'

At that very moment, the door bell rang, and Aunt Begonia ran off to answer it. Mary and Uncle Burnin' watched Spudley perform a variety of idiotic and comedic acts, for the sole purpose of their entertainment. When he dissatisfied them, they would throw chunks of their breakfast at him.

'Good news, Vernon,' Aunt Begonia shouted from the hall. 'Mrs Rigg's dropped dead on our front lawn! At least I hope so, we won't be able to go to the petting zoo then - oh wait, she got up. Oh well, I tried.'

Spudley's eyes closed in sadness. Every year, Mrs Rigg would walk over to the Derby's to give Spudley a birthday present, and every year, she would collapse and pass out on their front lawn. He turned around, and walked out of the room, to ensure Mrs. Rigg was still ok.

Mary, yawning and stretching in disappointment, vacated the room, saying she was quite ill and did not want to go on the day's excursion.

'Now what?' Aunt Begonia said, scratching idly at her wrist as she re-entered the room, loud enough for it to carry through the walls.

'We could phone Large,' was the response.

'But she's not dead!'

'What about Whats-Her-Face, your friend?'

'She's on her honeymoon with I-Don't-Remember-Who… She MIGHT be dead though!'

This conversation was cut to an end, when the door bell rang yet again.

'Beers Pollpiss is here!' Spudley shouted from outside. 'Hurry, hurry, or will miss all the llamas!'

Five minutes later, the Derby's, Mary and Beers were at the petting zoo, located fifty metres from their front door.

At the zoo's entrance, Spudley and Beers were having an argument on whether motorcycles were designed for flight. Uncle Burnin' ended the argument by bellowing, 'MOTORCYCLES FLY!'

It was a very stormy evening, and many of the animals were already in their barns. Only the pony and horse exhibition was still running, and everyone hurried over to them, Mary quickly licking a loose gorilla before following everyone else.

It was smelly and sticky where the ponies were, and they were all lined up in cages with labels. Behind the bars, the creatures whinnied and cried for there mothers, and because they were so bloody uncomfortable. To get real close, everyone needed to get through a ticket admission, and Mary stood behind her aunt.

'Ouch!' her aunt screamed, upon reaching the ticket admission, her butt being caught in between it. 'Help!'

Mary gasped in fear, what happened if she was caught there forever, and the she was doomed to remain at the petting zoo until her aunt starved to death!?

And with a silent _pop_, which makes absolutely no sense, Mrs. Derby's butt vanished!

'Thanks dearie!' Aunt Begonia winked, her backside now literally non-existent. With that she walked through the admission, leaving a bemused Mary behind her.

Mary wandered off from the main group after that incident, for some alone time, but she began to hear many hoarse voices.

'Been out here all stinkin' day!'

'Wish I could have a stretch, maybe get a little grub…'

'_Pur-lease_ - these people baffle me!'

'_Neigh_!'

Mary burped in shock, could she hear the thoughts or voices of horses? She rounded on the nearest horse, one that was a dark, charcoal black. Very slowly, it rose its head up to her face, and then, ever slowly, began to attempt to eat her face!

_Eat her face._

Mary screamed. And then said, 'Stop!'

It did, as if it understood. It then said, 'Look were all just frustrated right now, being cooped up and all. And to top it off, I'm next to some ass, that got mistaken for a horse. Heesh!'

'I know,' Mary lied, annoyed, spotting the ass. 'Its so ugly, I wish I could help - it _looks_ really annoying.'

'SPUDLEY! MR DERBY! COME AND LOOK AT THESE HORSES! YOU WON'T _BELIEVE _WHAT THEY ARE DOING!' came Beers ringing voice from the other side of the zoo.

Mary sighed, and closed her eyes in frustration, what _were_ they doing? She swung her arm out in anger and jets of white light zapped from it, hurtling towards the ass. And with another silent pop, it disappeared.

'Nice one mate,' her new friend Horsie said, and he high-hoofed the bars.

'Np, I'll like catch u 'round, k? Gtg!' was Mary's response, and she hurried off to the now screaming guests.

As she was running to the fleeing crowd, Mary pondered on her life so far. For the ten years she had lived with the Derby's, she had always been causing odd things to happen. A little vanishing here, a little swelling there - but nothing this major. Her aunt and uncle had always told her that her parents had killed each other, and that they had been a witch and wizard themselves, but Mary seldom believed them. Looking back at the day, Mary had to believe. How did she vanish the ass, and that other one? How could she talk to horses, and possibly ponies? All of these questions were futile to ask herself, as she had no idea what the hell she was thinking about anymore.

* * *

More LAME names:

Large - Aunt Marge

Beers Pollpiss - Piers Polkiss (How is his first name pronounced, I have no idea, I just tried to rhyme it...)

Mrs. Rigg, the batty fish neighbour - Mrs. Figg, the batty cat neighbour

Horsie - Snakey

Whats-her-face - Yvonne (the 'friend' you hear about once, and then never again).


	3. The Letters From Everyone

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Harry Potter :D

**Author's Notes:** This one was probably worse than the last two, but please try to put up with it for the next few chapters (well, you don't have to). I think once Hogwarts comes into the picture, it will be easier to write. Hopefully you'll enjoy! Thanks to the two reviewers!

Chapter 3: The Letters From Everyone

Summer holiday soon approached, which really didn't mean anything, as Mary hardly ever went to school. She spent as much time as possible inside, not wanting to redden her complexion. She was often pestered by Spudley to play tag with him, something she couldn't stand. She would always say it didn't interest her, but the real reason why she didn't want to play was because she knew she'd never catch her skinny and bony cousin, who could outrun anyone.

Fortunately, today she was rid of her overly-attached cousin, who was in the city shopping with his mother for his new school uniform, and was spending the day at their batty fish neighbour, Mrs Rigg's, house. Mrs Rigg was worse than usual. She forced Mary to swim in her gigantic, life-sized aquarium in her underwear, and then force-fed her some sushi, that hadn't been cleaned properly.

That evening, upon arriving home, Mary smelled something wonderful in the kitchen, something quite out of the ordinary. She charged in, looking back and forth, but the only difference was that no Derby's were present, as they were swimming outside. This was enough for an answer, so Mary quickly dropped to the ground and took a nap on a stray imported zucchini.

Mary awoke in the morning to find her family sitting around the kitchen table, admiring Dudley's new uniform. Mary thought it look rather unusual, but stylish. It was a long robe-like ensemble, black in colour, complete with a witch's hat, and a fancy-schmancy tie and uniform to go underneath.

'Er, so where are you going again, Spudley?' Mary inquired, burning with jealousy.

'Frogsports!' he exclaimed, brandishing a letter in his tiny fist. 'I'm the first wizard in the Derby family!'

'What?' Mary snorted, disbelieving.

'Mary,' Uncle Burnin' said seriously, 'you're a wizard - I mean a witch.'

'Here's your letter, now don't you feel better?' Aunt Begonia rhymed poorly, while brandishing and ugly fluorescent green letter to Mary. 'We got it last week, but we wanted to surprise you so you couldn't speak!'

'Ugh, do I really have to open it?' Mary whined, tired of the hours of mail she had to look at, 'My hands are still sore from the hours of fanmail from last week!'

'Yes.'

Grunting in a displeased fashion, Mary grabbed the letter, and squinted at the frivolous rainbow ink. It read:

_Miss M. Squatter_

_The House_

_On That Street_

_In That Town_

The envelope was both light and sticky, as if all the contents had left it, and someone had spilt juice on it. There were about five hundred stamps on it.

She squinted further and looked closely at the tiny seal, which contained an image of a coat of arms; a disease ridden rat, a decapitated chicken, a skunk, and a horse surrounding a large letter, 'F'.

'Wow,' Mary sighed, amazed by its intricate design and unnatural beauty, 'I wish I had a rat like that. Erm, I really don't want to open this, its too beautiful!'

She knew if she cried a bit, and put on an act, her aunt and uncle would nod understandingly, and let her open it later. She was right.

'Its alright dear, as I just got the latest shipment of your fanmail, so you can work on that right now!' was her aunt's comfort. 'Oh, and we really should get your uniform and everything for school soon…'

And then she was off rambling about school, poodles, and why poodles can't enjoy a simple education at a prestigious school. It was all very uninteresting for Mary, and she walked off, defeated, to her room, where a mountain of mail was surely waiting.

Indeed, when she opened her door, five million letters poured out, and began to suffocate her. It took a half of an hour alone to resurface from the pile, and even longer to locate herself a pen and her own paper.

She sifted through the vast amounts of fanmail, until she randomly decided to grab one. She ripped open the letter without looking at the address:

_Dear Harry,_

_I really miss your company. Its been years since we talked, and I really feel guilty about it. Are you up for tea next Thursday? _

_Sincerely, J.K. Rowling_

Mary sighed as she crumpled up the short letter, why did she ALWAYS receive this boy's letters? In fact, almost nine tenths of it was for this fictional character, and Mary would always have to swim around for her own fanmail. Fame was _so_ annoying sometimes - if she didn't ever get mail, she'd be able to burn it right on the spot.

Why was Mary famous? From what she gathered from her relative's rambling stories, and snippet's from her fan's letters, Mary somehow stopped some evil sorcerer that was revolutionizing the wizarding world, by giving muggle civilians too many rights and freedoms, and by freeing house elves, whatever those were. Mary knew this all was false, but she went along with it, because she loved the attention. Aunt Begonia said she got _that_ from her mother.

Nine hours and seven hand cramps later, Mary laid or her fluffy bed, exhausted. The good news was that she had read and responded to three letters. The bad news was that she still had four hundred more. Dizzy with the pressure, Mary fell into a hazy sleep.

The sounds of sirens and delivery trucks awoke Mary quite early on in the morning. She felt quite groggy, which resulted in her heading to the kitchen for some well deserved coffee. She took a detour through the dark hallway first, however, so she could pick her new truckload of letters up. She sighed when she realized the days would just keep getting longer -

'ARGHHHHHHHH!' Mary broke out mid-thought, for she had trodden on something dry and stale - something dead!

Looking down, Mary screamed, 'Spudley, stop inviting Mrs. Rigg inside the house! Bring her back outside!'

Turning her heel, she marched out of the hallway, not noticing that there were five truckloads of letters for her, waiting right outside the door.

By Friday, the Derby's were positively swimming in letters, and only Aunt Begonia could stay buoyant, thanks to her immense, oversized behind (which sprouted back shortly after the petting zoo trip).

The ironic thing was that most of the new letters were now from the same address - Frogsports school. Mary was getting very displeased about this, having already opened twenty of these letters to find that they were empty. Who on Earth did they think they were kidding?

On Saturday, the house could no longer support the weight of all the letters. It collapsed.

The Derby's decided it was a good time for a vacation.

On Sunday, at Snailpoo Motel, fourty trucks packed with letters arrived. The Motel was no match for this weight. It too collapsed.

Mary was beginning to think this was ridiculous. Where did these people think paper came from, trees?

Mary was hungry, she ate some letters.

Monday came and the Derby's found the vacation destination they were looking for, a pathetic little island in the middle of nowhere, with only a mouldy, broken house for shelter (The Derby's were in a bit of a financial situation since they needed most of their money to rebuild their home).

Due to its shabby exterior, the shack was stifling hot. Mary's breath came in short gasps, as she tried to inhale the thick, musty air. The blazing weather didn't help either, and through every crack and crevice, brilliant light shone through and set fire to anything it made contact with.

The three Derby's were on the roof, having fallen asleep sunbathing, and Mary sat alone on the springy couch. Her pocket watch stated 11:50, and she remembered that it would be _her_ birthday soon. She waited.

Five minutes to go. Mary heard loud collapsing noises above her, and pained groans. She hoped she wouldn't die right before her birthday. Four minutes to go. Maybe the Derby's would move to Russia instead of rebuilding their home.

Three minutes to go. Were those seals dancing on the other end of the island? And (two minutes to go) what was that funny crunching noise? Did the other end of the house just collapse?

One minute to got and she'd be eleven. Fourty seconds … twenty … thirty - ten - eight - maybe she'd scream really loudly, just to piss people off - three - two - one -

'ACHOO.'

At that very moment Mary let out a sneeze of comprehension. She realized that it was _noon_, not _midnight_. She still had twelve more hours to go.

* * *

And thats that. Bleh. I hope to put on more stories on my file... I have many written already from back in the day, but they are all quite random and ... lame? I like them, but I'm sure other people might not. :D

I am planning to go back and edit these chapters and such when I feel like it (basically when I have enough errors to make it worth it AND if I have any good ideas to enhance the chapters somehow).

Good day.


	4. The Creeper in the Trees

**Disclaimer:** I dun own Harry Potter

**Author's Notes:** WELL WELL WELL, I must say, I enjoyed writing this chapter more. But when I 'attempted' to proof read it, I failed to laugh. SO let me know what you think! Its kind of like I dumped pounds of information out in this chapter, and eh, its kind of lame. Whatever. Its the longest chapter so far :O Hope you enjoy! Thanks to those who have reviewed so far :D its fun to know that some people here are reading this :D

Chapter 4: The Creeper in the Trees

CRASH. BANG. BOOM. _Ahem_. The vacation home came crumbling down. The Derby's and Mary quickly charged out from the dying building.

'Where's the cannon?' Spudley cried, pointing at the only remaining wall, that had a cannon ball shaped hole in it.

'Over there,' Mary stated, pointed at the distant pirate ships that were slowly approaching the island.

'Who's there?!' Uncle Burnin' shouted. 'I warn you, I'm harmed! My lawyer will like to have a word with you!'

But just at that moment the ship spontaneously combusted, and then rammed into a gigantic rock and -

SMASH!

Everyone died.

The Derby family and Mary stood there for several minutes, shocked, before charging into the now frigid waters for a midnight dip. Mary stripped of all her sticky garments, but pulled a towel over herself when she heard a booming chuckle from the single palm tree that resided on the beach.

'Who goes there?' Mary screamed, while the Derby's jumped up and down and all around with fright.

'ME!' the voice issued from the tree again.

'WHO?' Aunt Begonia yelled, cupping her ear.

'R-r-r-' the thing began belching, until it plummeted out of the tree, falling to the ground.

Mary looked at the 'man' with confusion. He was barely visible in the tall grass and house fragments. He was very short. She couldn't make out his finer features but noticed he was small, stubby, well groomed, and supported a fine tailored suit, complete with a custom-made cloak.

He hurried onto the beach where the Derbys and Mary stood.

'Mary, my dear,' the man's voice did not at all match his size, 'I have been waiting all day to see you, why did you ignore me when I knocked on the door every single time - which for the record - was a total of five hundred knocks? And why have I not received a response to the letters you have undoubtedly been receiving?'

'Because you SUCK!' Mary screamed loudly, attempting to stomp on the small man. He growled with fear, and stumbled away, only to be washed in the ocean by the next wave.

'M-mary!' he spluttered, struggling to the shore. 'Really!'

'Well I couldn't hear you! Your tiny. Why didn't you just shout or something? The knocks would have been unnoticeable to anyone!'

'I DUNNO!'

'Do you have something for me? I mean, you are one of my creepy stalker fans right? Or are you really from some crackpot old school?' Mary sighed, defeated.

'Of course not, I just enjoying sitting in trees and staring at people from time to time,' the man quickly regained his crisp attitude. 'But firstly, let me introduce myself. I am Professor Ragrid, and I basically run the school of Frogsports.'

'You're my new headmaster!?' Spudley said in awe, gazing lovingly at the little gnome man.

The dwarf groaned.

'No, but the headmaster is … Well I'm his right hand man.' He gestured wildly, losing balance, and then began again, 'Long journey, long journey. Wouldn't be too much for a cup of tea would it?'

'Yes it would,' Mary gestured to the now non-existent vacation home.

The tiny man laughed rudely, and whipped out a piece of wood - his wand. 'Mary, Spudley. There are many things you will learn at Hogwarts, this is just the gist of it.'

He turned his five centimeter wand over to the rubble and screeched 'REPARO!' causing the house to creak and groan, and slowly begin reassembling itself. Not finished, the munchkin then yelled 'ERECTO!' which caused the house to be raised upright, fully together now. In fact, it looked better than before.

'Shall we?' Uncle Burnin' asked gesturing to the door, as if he had done all of this.

The five individuals entered said door, and admired the now beautiful home. It now contained exotic carpets, delectable curtains, and luxurious furniture. There were five giant flat screen televisions, and two kitchens, complete with a maid and butler. Professor Ragrid must have used some other magic while he was outside…

Mary looked closely at the maid and butler, and she noticed that they were only slightly taller than Ragrid. They wore the classic human outfits, yet looked very inhuman themselves. They had giant, saucer-like eyes, and big floppy ears.

'Are these your… siblings, Professor Ragrid?' Spudley voiced Mary's thoughts.

'What!? Are you flipping kidding me!?' his rage and tone took a dramatic turn, 'HOW DARE YOU ACCUSE ME OF BEING SUCH A… A VILE AND PETTY BEAST!?'

"S-s-sorry sir!' Spudley whimpered, while his mother and father cowered behind him.

'A fire would be nice!' was the boomed response.

'Erm - why not try magic again?' Spudley bravely took a stab again.

'ARE YOU JOKING?!' Ragrid screamed, sending sound waves blasting through the house, breaking all the windows, furniture, and televisions. 'Magic like that - its REALLY difficult. Only masters can do stuff like that! I don't even know the incantation.'

'Oh.' Mary found this quite weird, registering the fact that it was easier to restore and enhance an entire house in five seconds than it is to make a fire.

'Anyway, as you know I work at Frogsports blah blah blah…' Ragrid snorted, while absentmindedly rummaging in his pocket on his cloak, the only pocket there.

'No.'

Ragrid glared daggers at her.

'Letters were empty, fool.'

'WHAT?' Ragrid howled, refusing to acknowledge his mistake. 'HOW DARE YOU!'

And with that, Ragrid charged at Mary with murder in his eyes, brandishing his fists. Mary would have been frightened if only the man had been four feet taller. She stood vacantly while the man struck her one, two, three, four times, until howling in pain.

'Did you never wonder where your parent's learnt magic?' the Ragrid moaned, defeated.

'Not really, although Aunt Begonia always tries to tell me really boring, long-winded stories about my parents.'

At this, Aunt Begonia blushed crimson, and sat down on a broken couch, staying close to everyone else's eye-level due to her personal cushion.

'NOW WAIT ONE SECOND! YOU MEAN TO SAY… THEY TRIED TO TELL YOU EVERYTHING!? EVERYTHING?'

'Well, I dunno! Heesh, why do you care gnomey? Mary shrieked back.

'Some things are better left disclosed. We don't want to damage your state of mind. It would have been better if your family had just shoved you in a cupboard under your stairs…' Ragrid trailed off, deep in though, and began pacing. The words he said were more to himself than everyone else. 'May not be too late to undo the damage, just need to twist a few things, that's right…'

Everyone had settled on a comfortable piece of broken furniture, and were now being served by the servants. They sat in silence while waiting for Ragrid to break out from his reverie.

'Well, uh - you never told her about her parent's death right?' Ragrid boomed apprehensively, making them all jump.

The Derbys froze, looking like they wouldn't unthaw for many years. They were like deer caught in the headlights. Mary knew they had told her, in fact, when she was younger they used to always tell it to her as a bedtime story. It was her most favourite one.

'Good, good.' Ragrid mumbled rather loudly, taking their silence as a yes.

'Well, Mary your parents died in a car crash.'

'WHAT?!' Mary gasped, in shock and horror.

Aunt Begonia gave an audible gasp, and bounced up quickly, 'They did not! They died because -'

'SILENCE! I FORBID YOU!'

' - because Tilly was cheating on Games, and it caused a fight! They -'

'MARY I HAVE SOMETHING MORE REALISTIC AND IMPORTANT TO TELL YOU!'

' - they killed each other when - '

'YOU'RE A WIZARD, MARY!'

' - when they got in a duel over who had to keep you!'

'I KNOW!' Mary cut into both of them, kicking Ragrid in the mouth, and then angrily zapping fire from her hands, lighting up the fire place, and Aunt Begonia's butt.

'AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!' they screamed in unison, while running around the building in horror and pain.

Jumping into the sink, Aunt Begonia extinguished herself. Ragrid was forced to tough it out. He did this by rummaging in his pocket for several hours until he pulled out some pain killers. He then pulled out a piece of paper, and chucked it at Mary.

She caught it, and noticed that it was the same as the letters she was receiving before, except for the address, being: _Miss M. Squatter, The Couch, The Pirate's Hidden Treasure Island, Who-Knows-Where_.

Shuddering at the lack of privacy she always seemed to have, Mary opened the letter, which this time actually had paper in it:

_FROGSPORTS SCHOOL OF BITCHCRAFT AND LIZARDRY_

_(j/k) :D :D :D_

_Headmaster: Alpine Bumblebore (Order of Shame, First Class, Creator of the title of this letter)._

_Dear Miss Squatter,_

_We are very unfortunate to have to waste our time informing you that you have been accepted to Frogsports School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, as someone will inevitably be there to explain everything to you anyway. Read the damn list that will tell you what you need._

_Yours sincerely,_

_Willy Nitpick_

_Deputy Headmaster_

Mary, unimpressed by the shortness and blandness of the letter, tossed it aside, into Spudley's face.

All this time Ragrid had been looking out the shattered window (he made his slaves lift him up) with a glazed look. But suddenly turned with a start and faced Mary with an odd look.

'She's not going,' he said rather loudly.

'Why!?' Mary screamed, suddenly wanting to go once he said she couldn't.

'You need to go to a hospital, you are mentally sick. I know the trauma you have suffered from is great, but after a decade of therapy, you should make a full, or partial, recovery.'

'WHAT!?' Mary screamed yet again, aghast. 'I am perfectly FINE!'

'Really?'

'…YES'

'Well, I don't care, you are - '

'We promised Alpine that when we took him, we'd do a lot of rubbish,' Uncle Burnin' cut in, 'and one of those things was to try and support Mary in all of her endeavors, and never lie to her. We did just that.'

'You - you told her about What's-his-face, didn't you?' the response had poorly suppressed rage.

'Told her!' Aunt Begonia pattered happily, 'Of course we would. We always wanted a daughter, and when Tilly and Games blew each other up, we swore we'd continue their legacy. Of course we'd tell her about the most eccentric wizard of their time - Ford Baltimore. Of course we didn't have lots of information on the topic, but we did tell her he tried to kill her. Nobody knows why, but he tried. It was terribly miscalculated. _Of course_.'

'_Hmph_,' Ragrid grunted impatiently.

'I'm not done! Its not often I get to have long-winded chats like this!' Aunt Begonia jumped up and down excitedly. 'Mary is the only one to have survived Ford Baltimore… Well, she's the only one he has ever attacked. He vanished right after his grave miscalculation - he used the spell that would kill a baby _boy_, not _girl_. Some say he died. I doubt it.'

Mary swelled with pride as her Aunt Begonia told this story, and she bowed and accepted applause from Spudley and Uncle Burnin'. To her surprise, Ragrid joined in.

'Well, still… She really shouldn't be going!' Ragrid blustered.

'Why? I thought the whole point of sending letters to me was to tell me I _was_ accepted to Frogsports? Mary was very tired, and was feeling the fight slowly escape from her.

'Because… I don't like you! You are selfish, rude, selfish, uninterested, selfish, and lazy!' the insults cut at Mary's very being.

'SEIZE HIM!' she screamed, commanding his capture to the Derby's.

Obediently, Uncle Burnin' grabbed and restrained Ragrid the gnome-man, and shook him violently.

'Stop!' Spudley's eyes filled with tears, and he ran slowly and dramatically towards Uncle Burnin', who was forced to throw his son into the fireplace for the time being.

'PUT. ME. DOWN. NOW!' Ragrid's not-so-muffled voice was heard issuing through Uncle Burnin's hand. 'REALLY, IT WOULD BE A WASTE TO PAY FOR SOME CRACKPOT OLD FOOL TO TEACH HER MAGIC TRICKS!'

He had gone to far.

Uncle Burnin' howled in fury. He immediately started to compress Ragrid multiple times in his hands, while yelling, 'NEVER -' a howl of pain, '- INSULT - ALPINE - BUMBLEBORE -' Ragrid was now being impaled in the eye by his own wand, ' - IN - FRONT - OF - ME! I guess its alright if I'm _not_ there though.'

'She can go, she can go!' Ragrid moaned, three hours of punishment later.

'Isn't that nice, dearie?' Aunt Begonia said to Mary, placing a hand on Mary's shoulder.

'Eh,' Mary shrugged.

After Ragrid fixed up the house again, he took Mary and Spudley over to the side of the room.

'Strictly speaking, I am not allowed to use magic, seeing as I was expelled in my third year for setting some vile beast on stupid students. So I'd appreciate if you didn't tell anyone - even though nobody really enforces laws in the wizarding world, it is always good to be safe.'

'Yes sir!' Spudley saluted.

Mary shrugged vacantly again, and then everyone promptly passed out from exhaustion.

* * *

Yay, almost at Hogwarts! D

Diagon Alley I haven't really given much thought. Should be interesting...(?)

So yes, Ragrid is a bit of a turd. It happens. And he goes from wanting Mary to know about Frogsports to hating the Derbys for telling her about that and her family...

I have nothing more to say, hmph. EXCEPT that I enjoy the opening of this chapter. And the letter...

AND I keep posting the chapters accidentaly and then noticing errors and such :'( So people probably read the somewhat lousier versions. Oh well.


	5. Diagon Mall

**Author's Note**: Hello all, it has been like, 6 months. It makes me weep. So yeah, heres a super-long chapter. It kind of fails. I've been working on it on an off for a few months xD Its a long story as to why its taken me so long - first my computer decided to stop working (this was the summer) then school started and I forgot about the story, then I couldn't find my first HP book... Yeah, I have some other stuff I might post on here too, unrelated to this story. I dunno. THIS CHAPTER IS NOT EDITED. So it may have a lot of grammar mistakes. I'm aware. Please bear with me. I'll edit it and post a better chapter later. I mean, it shouldn't be THAT bad. But still. Tell me what you think ~ Hopefully some of the old readers I had will come back! And yes, there are even more CRAPPY names. I had help with most though, cause I got tired of making them.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Harry Potter, but we all know thattttt.

Diagon Mall

Mary awoke several minutes after sunrise, which in fact was only a couple minutes after she passed out. Tiny cracks of light seeped through her apparently closed off space. She squirmed uncomfortably around, realizing that she couldn't stretch out any further.

'Where am I?' Mary pondered, as she began feeling up the walls. As if she had given a password, a door swung open to her right.

She crawled quickly out of her depressing space, realizing on the way out that she was in fact in a cupboard. She knew she must be dreaming - she never slept in cupboards. With only one way to find out, Mary hastened her steps towards the petite figure that lay sprawled on the left cushion of a couch.

A grave mistake. Completely surrounding the couch, or rather, the living room, with their glowing, beady eyes, were a gigantic pack of owls, all perched haughtily on every piece of furniture - broken or whole. That instant, Mary felt as if she had a five hundred pound block of lead dropped on her - she suffered from a severe case of oclophobia! She stood frozen for several minutes.

'Urgh!' She suddenly squealed, no longer frozen in fear, but raging in anger and terror. She began pelting everything within reach at the ring of owls.

'Stop it Mary, they just want me to pay them for their delivery!' Ragrid boomed, having awakened from the high-pitched screams unintentionally being emitted from Mary.

'NEVER!' and with that Ragrid was seen sailing through the sky, and smashing into one of the owls. He fell unconscious.

The owls began to hoot angrily and viciously, creating a large circle around Mary. She shrank back into the ground, before passing out.

'Mary!'

'MARY!'

'Mary.'

'Marry?'

Multiple voices were issuing over head, some crude, some judgmental, others shrouded with worry. Mary tried to raise her hand up to reach the blurry blobs of flesh and hair, but her arms were too heavy.

She contented herself by having frigid ice water poured all over her face. That sharpened her senses. Though it did nothing for her fragile temper.

'What. Was. That -'

'Mary. As I said before, the owls just wanted payment for delivering us my yacht. Instead of throwing me at them, you should have realized they wanted some Owl Kibbles. That's how payment works in the wizarding world.'

'Fine.' Mary handed a sack of Owl Kibbles to the horde of owls, which promptly devoured them, and then flew away.

The rest of the morning went by at a rather hurried pace. Everyone in the household was busy packing for the giant expedition ahead of them - they had a treacherous journey through the sea before they could reach London. With two dog biscuits, four blankets, and a house elf in a backpack, Mary, the Derby's and Ragrid exited the vacation home.

'All aboard, my friends!' Ragrid screamed jovially, his generally angry demeanor evaporating immediately. 'To the Sneaky Den!'

'What's that, Ragrid?' Spudley said with a very British enunciation.

'You'll see, you'll see,' Ragrid boomed with a sinister chuckle, while boarding the yacht.

Mary followed Ragrid up the ramp onto the deck, and took in all the unique sights around her. But after looking more carefully, she realized there really wasn't anything at all on the deck. Defeated, she squeezed herself into a shabby little doorway that seemed to lead to some under-deck room. What she saw caused her to gasp in absolute awe.

Splayed out over a beautiful mahogany wood desk was a voluptuous, state-of-the-art, whizzing, sometimes levitating, glimmering, shining, buzzing -computer! It sported all of the latest gadgets and gizmos, allowing Mary to record videos of herself, talk to friends over the internet (both verbally and textually) and print off herself a nice cup of coffee if she was thirsty.

'Its just like magic!' Mary smiled, making a stupidly cheerful face.

'Yes, yes Mary!' Ragrid tittered back in delight, appearing at her heel, eyes shining. 'Check this out.'

Mary turned her head back to the positively beaming computer, focusing her attention to a blazing headline to an article that was displayed on screen:

'ALPINE BUMBLEBORE FIRED FOR THE THIRD CONSECUTIVE TIME AS MINISTER OF MAGIC. REPORTS SHOW THAT ALPINE WILL RETURN TO FROGSPORTS WHERE HE VOWS TO CONTINUE CORRUPTING THE MINDS OF YOUNG WIZARDS…'

'Erm, the title just keeps going. Where is the actual article?' Mary asked, scanning the rest of the 'article' that got more and more nonsensical as she went down the page.

'Well, Mary… They had Alpine for a headmaster, you really expect them to have any sort of intelligence whatsoever? Anyways, we don't teach Languages and Mathematics at Frogsports. We just teach the wishy-washy namby-pamby wand-waving nonsense. Oh, by the way, close your eyes.'

Before fully comprehending what he was saying, Mary sneezed at the exact moment Ragrid told her to close her eyes, and the moment she opened them all she could think was, 'Wow'.

The Derby's, Ragrid and Mary all had magically appeared in front of a towering bar that was probably made from pure gold. It sported large, blazing letters (quite literally so - they were on fire) that spelt out 'The Sneaky Den'. The building itself was a magnificent sight, displaying a strange beauty that could only be obtained through copious and ridiculous amounts of money. Fortunately, the exquisiteness of the building was balanced out due to the large number of prostitutes and hobos that threw themselves in and around the building.

'Be careful everybody - you might get lost.' Ragrid advised to Mary and the others, gesturing to the gigantic flood of people flowing in and out of the building.

'Why is it so popular? I mean, its like there isn't anywhere else to go!' Aunt Begonia puttered, while munching on a dog biscuit.

'Why that's just it, not a person can walk by the Sneaky Den. Not one. Theres an enchantment that draws people to it - Muggle and Wizard alike. Nobody can get by without playing at the bar, drinking at the indoor water park, or eating the expensive fashion lines that are produced and sold there. It really keeps the owners rich. We better go, its beginning to fill up!'

Mary grabbed her cousin's hand, using him as a personal shield, and they charged through the wide open doors. She ducked around the ticket booth (Spudley banging around behind her), and reached the back door after several minutes of struggle. She just felt it was a good place to go. All she needed now was to wait for her Aunt, Uncle and Ragrid.

Not one to disappoint, Uncle Burnin' swung through the grand room on a chandelier, and Aunt Begonia concussed the ticket booth workers with her large behind (also causing her to bounce to the exit), causing a mass riot of people storming in for free.

'Well, now that we made it to the real entrance to Diagon Mall,' Ragrid smiled, 'Shall I do the honours - wait, what?'

The reason he broke off with confusion was because Aunt Begonia had already typed in the eighty digit pin code to open the metal doors that locked the world off from Diagon Mall. She looked behind in embarrassment, as the metal door clicked multiple times and slowly parted.

'I've shopped here a bit in the past…' She muttered shiftily, while avoiding everyone's gaze.

'Well, lets go then!' Mary shouted, punching her fist in the air (which came into contact with Spudley's jaw), 'Diagon Mall!'

And what a mall it was.

Thousands of sparkling, crystalline doors and windows were spread out on a vast building that seemed to stretch across both the whole horizontal and vertical plane. In each window were fine items displayed, such as bathrobes and chocolate covered monkeys. Front and centre however, the most pristine building stood. On it, it had the sign : 'Flingsnot's Wizard-esque Owl Kibbles Repository.'

The building was unlike the others, more of a delicate glass than solid diamond, and it was the support for many long columns and spires, that ascended into the pale blanket of clouds above. A trickle of wizards and witches were entering and leaving, each carrying their own brown bag with, what Mary assumed, had Owl Kibbles inside.

'Ah, really quite a little charming mall isn't?' Ragrid beamed up to Mary and Spudley.

'Its fantastic!' Spudley grinned, Mary silently agreeing.

The small group slowly gravitated towards the centre building, unable to look away from its ancient beauty. Mary's body ached for the closeness that she desired, and as if beyond her control, her arms pried themselves away from her sides, and began groping longingly for the steadily approaching doors. In what felt like eons, Mary reached the cool walls of the building, and she brushed her hand against its icy exterior. Her head was so close to the class that her every breath was fogging the window, and it was at that moment she knew she could never be separated from it.

'I… I don't know what I could do without you,' she cried in agony at the very though, her face crumpling. 'Don't ever leave me! You are my life, without you, there is no reason for living! I want to be with you… forever.'

'Crap!' Ragrid exclaimed, awakening Mary from her rather tired monologue, 'I forgot a Fixation Curse was placed on this building!' And with that he waved his wand and muttered a bunch of random words, causing everyone to land back on their feet (they were floating) and return to their senses. 'Look, we need to get some money or you won't be able to obtain any of your required materials, let us go.'

Mary quickly followed Ragrid up to the front doors, shaking the odd feeling she had gotten off, the Derby's trailing behind. She glanced quickly at a small silver engraving that was placed delicately above the entrance doors, and read it.

_Enter my friend, for we are in need,_

_We await one to carry out a good deed,_

_It is what we lust for, what we yearn,_

_To have our vaults empty is our concern._

_So if you seek treasure above our floors,_

_We will gladly make it yours,_

_Saviour, please help us we want to close down,_

_But if we do, we'll kill the whole town (of owls). _

Ragrid took notice of Mary's quizzical expression and chuckled, 'Yes, for some time, Mister Flingsnot has really wanted to close is old repository down, but unfortunately, he cannot, as he runs the only wizarding bank in all of Britain. He encourages robbery frequently. In fact, theft happens about twenty-six times everyday. If you want to keep anything safe, this is the last place you'd ever think of, except perhaps Frogsports.'

'Then what makes you think any Kibbles will be in there for me, Ragrid?' Mary inquired, 'My parents have been dead for like, ten years…'

'Oh foolish Mary, your parents _hated_ you, they left you _nothing _to begin with,' Ragrid guffawed all the way to the front counter, where a uncomfortable looking mermaid was taking deep breaths through a puffer.

'Then what are we here for?'

'An armed robbery,' was the quick response.

Mary's heart skipped a beat. Her body began to seize up, and everything around her seemed slightly surreal. Everything seemed like a threat, everything a danger - especially that suffocating mermaid at the front desk. Could she have noticed? What would happen? She hoped it was successful - it would be her first robbery, and an armed one at that! She couldn't wait to brag to all of her friends.

'M-m-may I h-h-' the mermaid wheezed out, before quickly shoving her head in a nearby fish tank, and then inhaling deeply, 'May I help you with any thing today? My n-n-name is C-C-Cordelia.'

'Yes, madam. Very important business,' Ragrid started, ignoring her obvious distress, 'Sent from the headmaster himself, I am here to pick up you-know-what, in vault you-know-where.'

Mary looked around shiftily, confused as to why Ragrid was being so polite and formal. She looked around for a good escape zone in case they were caught, but was instead entranced by the dozens of elevators lined up along the pristine floors.

'Oh um sir,' Cordelia responded after surfacing once again from the fish tank, 'Its my first day, what the hell are you talking about? Anyways, you can't c-c-c-come in, I-I-I was t-t-t-told nobody f-f-from Frogsports was al-'

'NOW!' Ragrid boomed, causing the entire building to go silent. Everyone stopped and stared at Ragrid, who seemed to be under the assumption that he had devised a signal plan to overtake the asthmatic mermaid. The only benefit of his scream was that, due to the sheer amount of noise it was, the entire floor underneath them shattered.

'Run up to the first elevator, quick!' Uncle Burnin' roared, grabbing Mary around the waist, hoisting her into his arms, stampeding for the elevator.

'Stop them!' screamed some random ninja, who appeared out of nowhere, already intent on robbing vaults 56 through 9402. They quickly surrounded everyone standing on the now shattered floor, and began picking them off one by one with pointy blades of death.

'NO! HELP!' screamed a little girl, as a wave of blades came hurtling towards her. She closed her eyes in fear, but with amazing agility, Aunt Begonia bounded in front of the girl, and absorbed the attack with her butt!'

'Retaliate, buttocks!' Aunt Begonia screamed with rage, and sent the blades propelling out her body, straight at the mortified attacker. It sliced through his flesh, while hitting two innocent bystanders.

The crowd roared in appreciation, and Aunt Begonia bounced off of the shattered floor, through the ceiling, and then back to the first floor (crashing through the second floor) and landing by the elevator. She was then joined by Spudley and Ragrid who were able to speed and sneak by respectively.

'HELP~!' Mary let out an awful scream, noticing that her and her Uncle were surrounded. 'Somebody, anybody!' Tears streamed down her face - this gave her the opportunity she needed.

'She is just a girl, leave her be!' One ninja screamed to another.

The other turned for retaliation, and then they all started arguing, because this pointless side story was taking too long, and Mary knew that they had to steal something soon, or she'd never make it to Frogsports.

'We're almost there!' Mary screamed, pointing at the opening doors, hitting her Uncle to go faster. 'Aunt Begonia, hit a number!'

At the last second Uncle Burnin' and Mary scrambled in the positively cramped elevator (Aunt Begonia was at fault), and the doors began to slide shut.

'WAIT!' came a scream from the front desk. The mermaid Cordelia being the culprit. 'Miss… can I have your autograph!? YOU WERE AMAZING!'

'Well, yes, when we are finished robbing, I'll sign one,' Aunt Begonia said, utterly flattered. This caused the adoring fan to have an asthma attack.

The elevator then crisply shut, and ascending like a rocket, causing Mary's entire surroundings to become a vicious blur, and her face and body to be pulled to the bottom of the elevator. She wanted to scream but the power of this elevator was to powerful, and she could do nothing but listen to the rushing in her ears.

'Ragrid, how much longer!?' Uncle Burnin' was somehow able to shout out.

'We only went up one floor, and Begonia pressed floor 9001! We have at least a few hours!'

Mary felt an odd rushing in her head. How could this elevator make her that sick when they were going so slow? She tried to gather herself, but began puking uncontrollably, until she passed out on the now soaked floor.

*

'Hurry up Mary, we're there!' Mary heard the voice above her whispering, and she shivered slightly while opening her eyes.

Upon regaining her senses, Mary's now opened eyes adjusted to small golden lights that laced the delicate crystalline walls. It was so high up, that white and wispy clouds hovered level with the room. Mary turned head towards the centre of the room, where she observed the mounds a what appeared to be crumbly, brown, thumb sized, Owl Kibbles. Her nostrils confirmed this assumption.

'Mary, take this silken bag of porcelain and stash as many of these things as quickly as you can, we're currently robbing the Minister of Magic's vault. Unlike the others it has minimal level security.' Ragrid was explaining, while poking at the side of her cheek, which incidentally was level with his arm.

Mary grunted uncomfortably as she lifted her still vomit-soaked (rather, dry vomit-soaked) body to its feet. She unceremoniously ripped the bag out of Ragrid's hands (having to lean over to do so), and sprinted over to the stash of the treat that every owl craved for.

It took about thirty minutes to completely fill Mary's bag, which decided to expand every time it reached maximum capacity. Lugging her gigantic sack of smelly owl treats onto the elevator, Spudley reached for the buttons on the elevator wall.

'We are going to vault 7777,' Ragrid stated to Spudley, 'And let us try 'slow' speed this time, I think 'rocket-launcher' speed was a bit too fast, especially since it actually takes the exact same amount of time to get to the vault, regardless of speed. The only thing that's changed is the fact that it feels sickeningly fast.'

Spudley, nodded in obedience, toggled a random lever to the 'slow' option, located the 7777 button (located by Aunt Begonia's left ear) and pressed it. They were off again.

This time, Mary sat on the elevator for what she estimated to be eighteen years, thirteen months, 36 days and 18 minutes. Unfortunately, little known to Mary, she was both incredibly stupid and a drama witch. The elevator really only took two hours and fourteen minutes to reach its destination, and as it came sliding to a halt, Mary immediately gazed into the room in front of her.

Atop a chocolate cookie pedestal on top of an enchanted cloud of icy-cotton snow cones covered in crystalline meth that draped itself upon the icing-coated garnishments, which were visibly plastered against the softly glimmering paper-thin sugar walls was a small but barely visible sack. Mary's gaze drifted to the sack, and she looked questioningly at Ragrid.

Ragrid only barely met her gaze, before scampering off to the delicious pedestal, with the mysterious but promising sack placed gently upon it. He quickly conjured an elevator to ride up to the top of the pedestal, and when he grabbed the sack, he glared malevolently at Mary and the Derby's.

'None of you shall touch this, for you will die, ' Ragrid thundered.

Mary just shrugged and turned to her aunt and uncle. She really had little interest as to what was inside that bag. She was bothered by other things - getting her school supplies for instance. There was practically no time left to do so.

'We'd better be off to buy Mary's stuff,' Uncle Burnin' said to Ragrid, and the small dwarf nodded, returning to elevator.

*

As the elevator came sliding to a halt in the lobby, Ragrid poked Mary 's ankle.

'Mary, have you looked at your list of school supplies?' he inquired, producing an extra list.

'Nope,' she said, reaching down and grabbing the list, looking at it while the walked through the newly constructed lobby; it read:

_Frogsports School of Witchcraft and Wizardry_

Dress Code

_First-year students will require:  
1. Three sets of plain black robes (black)._

_2. One witch's hat, and a stick on wart (for females)._

_3. One pair of protective gloves (Unicorn skin or similar)._

_4. One winter cloak (black, what else?)._

_Note_: Professor Bumblebore would like to remind all visually appealing females that they may stray from the ordinary dress code, and opt for a tank top and mini skirt instead.

Set Books

_All student would be recommend to purchase each of the following:  
_The Standard Book of Smells (Grade 1) _by Panda Gobstalk_

A History of 'Magical Me' _by Hilda Hotbags_

Magical Inquiries by _Illbea Huffing_  
An Expert's Guide to Open Heart Surgery _by Hysteric Twitch_

One Thousand Magical Herbs and Fun Guys _by_ _Tilda Whore_

Magical Shafts and Lotions _by Penius Jigger_

Fantastic Feasts and Where to Eat Them _by Toot Salamander_

The Dark Forces (In the Bedroom): A Guide to Self-Protection _by Hit'n Tremble_

Other Equipment

_1 umbrella_

_1 cauldron_

_1 set glass or crystal nail phials_

_1 smelloscope (generally comes with Panda Gobstalk's book)_

_1 set of brass snails_

_1 battle staff_

Students may also bring an owl OR a cat OR a toad OR a bat OR some other rather magically-associated creature.

PARENTS ARE REMINDED THAT FIRST-YEARS ARE NOT ALLOWED THEIR OWN BROOMSTICKS - MAGIC CARPETS ONLY!

'Wow, do I really have time to get this all, Ragrid? Ragrid?' Mary looked around, she had just exited the large building, and seemed to have lost track of her miniscule guide. She looked ahead, and saw a gigantic crowd stampeding towards her.

'It… It's the Paparazzi!' screamed Aunt Begonia, hurtling to Mary's side, getting into a sexy pose.

'Man,' Mary sighed, as security guards came out and started barricading the pathway to prevent the ecstatic horde of wizards and witches from jumping on top of Mary. 'I'm just so popular its hard to get my head around!'

'Mary, Mary! I'm your BIGGEST fan, Borris Crockpot!' a green-faced witch screamed, her wart simply pulsating with delight. 'I have all the Mary Squatter action figures, _Mary's Quest I, II_, and _III_, AND every piece of clothing from your exclusive fashion line! Please, let me take your hand!'

'Oh if you insist…' Mary said, making her way to the side of the barricade and holding out her hand to the unfortunately named witch.

'Yes, pleasure! Really!' Borris screeched in happiness, whipping out her wand that glowed a malevolent purple.

'Wait, what are you going to do?!'

'Take your hand, you said I could have it!

'No!' Mary huffed, and hurried down the pathway, as Borris was dragged away. She spotted Ragrid up ahead, conversing with two absolutely giddy men.

'Oh my, good this be the adorable little sweetums that I've heard so much about?' a short and rosy-cheeked man squealed in delight. 'Deadlaced Giggle, my dear!'

'Uh hurm,' Ragrid grunted as Mary and Deadlaced shook hands, 'And this is your Defense Against the Dark Arts (In Bed) Professor Squirrel!' He gestured to the other man, who's eyes were twitching and his head spasming.

'Nice to meet you, Prof' Mary held out her hand, slightly disgusted at the man with the bald head and twitchy face.

'Puhlessure, madam,' Professor Squirrel squeaked, taking Mary's hand anxiously. 'OUCH'

'What?'

'Oh, don't mind him, Mary,' Ragrid said, looking unconcerned at Squirrel's rapidly blistering hand. 'Squirrel is just a bit twitchy, he probably totally over exaggerated the strength of your grip.'

Mary huffed angrily, nodded to the two men, while running her hand through her hair. She waited for Ragrid to detach himself from the two, and waited until he was a few metres ahead of her before she followed. The Derby's, in turn, followed behind Mary.

They reached a small little boutique, and Ragrid stopped outside its doors. 'Madam Hulkin's Shoppe is great for robes, Mary. You go in and get them, while me and your aunt and uncle go to the local bar!

'Don't worry sweety, Spudley needs his robes fitted again - he lost another twenty pounds - so if you get into any trouble, just use him as protection,' Aunt Petunia giggled, putting on some shades, picking up Ragrid, and then speeding away with her husband.

'Don't worry, Mary. I'll show you the ropes,' Spudley smiled genuinely, receiving a punch in the face.

Mary and her cousin entered the store, and were greeted by a towering, overweight witch with a menacing glare. 'Eet eez zat boy again? Ee eez just skeen and bones! And who is these little lass? You come for zee robes? Step up, I am feeting a leetle boy as I speak.'

The shop was littered in high-fashion lingerie, but a small corner was devoted to robes and cloaks. There a small blond boy with flushed, rosy cheeks stood, a woman fitting him with a brand new Frogsports robe. She approached the stool next to the boy, and tossed Spudley on the one next to her.

Madam Hulkins tossed a robe over Mary's head and viciously began pinning with a fervor that was just a little concerning.

'Hullo,' said the boy, when he glanced at Mary, 'Frogsports too?'

'Yes,' said Mary.

'My father is next door selling family heirlooms for my school supplies, and mother's up the street stealing wands,' said the boy, eyes glistening. He had a wet, sappy voice. 'Then I'm going to drag them off to sell my girl scout's cookies. I don't see why boys can't be girl scouts, I think I'll make a petition.'

Mary was strongly reminded of her cousin adjacent to her.

'I know, right!' Spudley piped up, face brightening.

'If there is one thing I can't stand, its discrimination,' the boy sighed to Spudley, both understanding each other.

'Are _you_ a girl scout?' the boy nodded to Mary.

'No,' said Marry.

'Play Squidditch at all?'

'Maybe if I had some squid,' Mary rambled, utterly confused.

'Oh, you too, huh… What house do you think you'll be in?' the boy changed the subject yet again.

'No idea…'

'Well, nobody really knows, but I know that I will be in Gobblesquabble! All the stupid kids go there… and I know I'm not that bright… but I try! I hope to one day free all house elves from oppression, and rid slavery from everywhere! Whatever happens though, I just cannot be placed in Canterout! I think I'd leave, wouldn't you?'

'Hm, yeah.'

'Spudley, stop taking my lines'

'Sorry…'

'I say, look at that man!' the rosy boy whispered, pointing at Uncle Burnin' who was drunkenly pressing his face against the window.

'That's my uncle,' Mary said, pleased to know something related to nothing.

'Oh, cool.'

Mary was liking this boy less and less every second. He was like the twin sister Spudley never had.

'So you are with your Uncle? Where are your parents?'

'Dead,' Mary stated in a flat tone, wishing that Madam Hulkin's would prove her prowess by finishing soon.

'Oh, I'm so sorry!' the boy cried, tears pouring down his cheeks. He sounded genuine.

'Don't worry, they were both magical!' Mary exclaimed, 'My mother had muggles for parents though! So that makes me a noble half-blood!'

'Oh, uh…' The boy stammered. 'My parents are both magical… but they have many muggle relatives… most of them are actually… I'm considered muggleborn…'

'Oh, me too!' Spudley squealed in delight.

'Shut up, Spudley.'

Before Mary could tell the boy what a disgusting piece of filth he was, Madam Hulkins exclaimed, 'You are done. Eet feets perfectly. Pay now, then leave, I am very beezy.'

'Wow, you really are a pro,' Mary exclaimed, noticing that both her's and Spudley's robes were perfectly fitted, and the rosy-cheeked boy's robe was still being pinned away by the less-than-competent intern. 'Your assistant really fails!'

'Very true. She eez fired. Thank you for shopping at store,' she waved, while scooping up her assistant and firing her out the window.

'Whats goin' down my lil' girl?' Uncle Burnin' said, clasping a bottle of Udderbeer in Mary's hand.

'Oh, just talkin' to some fool about Squidditch 'n stuff,' Mary muttered, before taking a swig of her Udderbeer.

'But we don't got none of that squid!'

'I hear ya.'

They walked in silence for several minutes, looking around for Aunt Begonia and Ragrid. Mary took another swig of Udderbeer, savouring the flavour. They decided to shop for parchment and quills. Mary was slightly entertained by a quill that used the writer's blood as ink, and decided that it would make a useful purchase. As they exited the store Ragrid and a wobbly Aunt Begonia showed up.

'Professor Ragrid, what is Squidditch?' Spudley asked tentatively, his face distorted in confusion, 'And Canterout and Gobblesquabble!'

'I keep forgetting how stupid you were!' Ragrid exclaimed, 'Squidditch is the sport we play at Frogsports! It uses a combination of squids and broomsticks - quite the intense game if I do say so myself. Canterout and Gobblesquabble are both houses - Gobblesquabble is for failures though, and Canterout is rumored to produce many saintly and powerful sorcerers. Whats-his-face was a Canterout. Just goes to show that stereotypes don't always work for the houses - except for Gobblesquabbles - they ARE failures.'

'Who is Whats-his-face?' Mary asked Ragrid, as they headed to Whorish Spots, to pick up some of Mary's spellbooks.

'Oh you know him, Mary,' Aunt Begonia answered for Ragrid, 'He has that thing, and lives in, oh - what's-it-called, by what's-her-name…'

'Oh, him?'

'Yeah.'

Everyone then headed into Whorish Spots, a bookstore mainly dedicated to adult novels, with large posters of the most popular works plastered all over the store. There was a book section, however, titled 'Horribly Disfiguring Curses and Frogports Books,' which the Derby's and Ragrid made their way over to.

Mary observed a section of books solely dedicated to the torment and misery of other people. _Rotting Flesh Hexes and Deadly Scissor Spells_ was among one of the most interesting to Mary, as it was composed of simple spells (_Learn spells with less than a week's worth of experience!_). She thought she'd take this book for some light reading, when Ragrid grunted loudly, at her heel.

'Mary, that book is legal and all, but read the bloody fine print!' Ragrid sputtered, jumping up and down, pointing at the back cover of the book. It read:

_Warning: Side effects may include but are not limited to: Uncontrollable vomiting, spontaneous combustion, extra arms, and self-decapitations. _

'Aw, I really wanted to find a good way to curse Spudley!'

'I'm not saying it's a good idea, but maybe you should buy the book then,' said Ragrid. 'Anyways, I'm sure someone of your level of skill could easily pull off these spells…'

Mary and company continued bouncing from store to store (not literally - only Aunt Begonia was capable of extreme bouncing), purchasing her nail phials, cauldron, and smelloscope. The apothecary housed only lotions ingredients, and its creamy smell gave Spudley a horrible rash, which made everyone laugh uproariously, and throw hand cream at him. While her aunt and uncle bought her ingredients, Mary examined unicorn parts - all which she learned were essential in lotion making. For seven hundred Owl Kibbles, one could by a small flask of unicorn's blood, said to be great for lotions used to give the illusion of youth. Mary wanted to purchase some, but the sun was setting outside, and she still needed the thing she was looking forward to the most.

Uncle Burnin' grabbed Mary's wrist when they exited the building however, and placed a small package in her hands. 'A belated birthday present, Mary!'

Mary viciously ripped off the wrapping paper, expecting a diamond necklace - or something else of similar value. Instead, however, she found an ugly green toad in a little box.

'Whats this?'

'Your new pet, sweetie!' Aunt Begonia piped.

'But toads are just -'

'I'm so glad you like it, MARY!' Ragrid boomed with all his might, glaring at Mary, 'And Spudley, I have something for you, its actually levitating above your head, watch out -'

Looking above his head, Spudley saw a dark owl, with beady red eyes. He screamed in delight, and grabbed the owl and hugged it, which cause the owl to jam its beak into Spudley's right eye.

'Well, we'll meet you in the Sneaky Den!' Uncle Burnin' assured, grabbing his bleeding son by the collar and leaving the scene with his family.

'Just Alexander's left, Mary,' Ragrid assured, 'Follow me.'

A magical umbrella… just what Mary had been looking forward to.

The last shop was large and shiny. Neon letters were lit up over the door, reading _Alexander's: Makers of Fine Umbrellas Since 2 days._ Apparently, this was the new umbrella store in town.

A loud siren rang somewhere in the depths of the shop as they stepped inside. It was a vast, rather empty place.

'Hello, friends!' a jovial man shouted, descending from the ceiling. 'Oh, a new student? Looking for your first umbrella?'

His blazing eyes, like exploding stars, peered intently at Mary's face, as she adjusted to the man's sudden presence.

'Ah yes, Mary was it? I was expecting you. The tabloids have been hinting you might be coming by,' he thrusted an umbrella into Mary's hands, 'Try opening this, twenty and a quarter inches, rather flexible, red - great for charm work.

Mary opened the umbrella and it instantly speared the creepy man in the eye.

'No, no, rather painful and unruly - obviously a very stubborn umbrella,' Alexander spluttered, mistaking Mary's malice as the umbrella's malice. 'Try this one, eighteen inches, petite, pink - your father favoured an umbrella very similar to this hohohoho. '

'Wait… how'd you know that?'

'Oh don't worry dear Mary, I've googled everything about you and your family. I know _everything_,' he smiled, winking. 'Mary, if you don't mind, maybe if you could just take your shirt off - I'd love to see that fabled scar of yours.'

'Don't think this one works either…' Mary sighed, impaling the man in the other eye with the umbrella.

'Well Mary, we might be here all day (lucky me!) because no umbrella is the same as another - except for the ones that are mass produced (which is ninety percent of them… I'll try my best to drag this out!),' Alexander giggled, handing her another umbrella. 'Unicorn skin, twenty five inches, stiff.'

'Not feeling it.'

'Yellow with green sparkles, twenty one inches, retractable!'

'Nothing.'

'Well try this one, Mary! Black, embellished with phoenix insignias, twenty four inches, incomprehensible.'

Mary grasped the umbrella in her had, a felt a sudden icy chill within the depths of her heart. This was the one, Mary knew it. It called to the essence of her being, and she whipped it above her head, and pushed the button that instantly released the head of the umbrella, a long with a jet of icy shards.

'Bravo!' Alexander clapped, joined in by Ragrid. 'But how ODD, this is just so weird. Your would-be-murderer actually had an umbrella very similar to you. It was opposite in every way EXCEPT it had phoenix insignias on it. How weird. And Mary, would you please remove your clothing so I can see your scar?'

'Um right…' Mary said, while following Ragrid out the door.

*

'Mary, are you all right?' Ragrid asked, as they sat in the Leaky Den.

'Oh yeah, I'm fine. I'm just thinking about how awesome I am!'

'Do you want, you know… an invigorating speech?' Ragrid asked, crestfallen, 'I mean I thought because, you know -'

'Goodbye, Ragrid.'

Mary got up and turned away from the petite man, and made her way to the Derby's, ready to go home… Frogsports was only a month away.

--------------

Any ideas for a name for Malfoy? I have no idea yet. Whatever. I might chop this one down and edit some parts out - I didn't have the book as reference for 1/2 of this chapter, so I really go off topic. It happens. I just hope its READABLE. Like, you don't just stop reading it halfway because its so boring. :) I'm working on my crappy writing skillz.


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